My friend

I just got some bad news. My friend died a few days ago. He was very important to me at one point in my life. I just haven't  talked to him in in years. Life came in between our friendship. I moved away had kids started a career ect. ect. They all sound like excuses right now. I should have called, I should have e-mailed him. Yez, I text about 2000 times a day. I could have sent him a Hi.  I feel guility about letting that relationship fall by the wayside.  In honesty, I didn't nourish it, I didn't....couldn't find the time to keep in touch. The other side is neither did he, but I have to wonder what did I miss?

  That first year in college was difficult for me. I had graduated from a private all girls HS and plunged into a huge college where I was completely lost. That year was hard for me. I lost touch with my old high school friends. I tried joing groups in college, but just didn't seem to make that connection I was looking for. I felt like an outsider.

 I had a few classes with Josh. But I got know him in the computer lab. I liked to go late at night to write papers. It was quite and really the only time I could get away to do the work. One night, we were both there writing this paper for English.. it was "what happened the year and month you were born. " Josh sat next to me ... I remember thinking great this is how it ends.. alone in a college lab.. He turned and smiled.. I would never tell him this, but he was hot. We talked that night. I mean really talked.. sounds cliche, but we talked about our childhood. At that time in my life I was having a very hard time transitioning from not only a HS kid to a college student. But transition from the low income neighbrohood I grew up in to wanting more out of life. He undersood because he was like me. First person to go to collge paying his way through it.. fighting the tuff neighborhood and not falling into the same traps his friends and family were falling into. At the end of that night I felt like I belonged.

 One night and I felt...connected. Such a small word connected, but there we were. The two of us we were similar in many ways and in such a big school we found eachother. That connection led to many late nights... Many days spent in the quad talking, lots of laughing. We made  a sport out of  people watching and making stories about them as the bustled through the city. There were many times I want to quit he pushed.. my god he could push my buttons to get me to do what he wanted. I don't rememeber complete conversations... I rememeber the way he made me feel.  Understood, listened to.. He started my addiction to coffee and fanned my passion to write. Most important is he was honest.. sometimes too honest. He would always say that kids that we grew up with never knew how to try something new.." Change is good, Anna. Its what keeps us moving forward" I can't beleive I actually just heard his voice.  We made a pack that we would push eachother to graduate school.

 Alot happened that year for me and I ended up dropping out and joining the navy. Josh stayed we kept in touch and its almost funny, but when i got into trouble I would call him. The next few years whenever I called him he would start the conversation with " How is school ?"  He graduated with a BA in Sceince and did research work. He loved it and payed for his brother to go to school. When I finally finished school I called him first... His response was typical " it took you long enough"

Josh was kind, smart handsome. He came into a room a literally filled it with his smile and personality. He didn't just listen he heard everything you said. he was stubborn, like the way he talked our psych. proffessor into giving him an A for a paper I had written and only gotten a B in the previuos semster. We recycled before it was cool..LOL The smile he had was infectiuos and he had a worse aversation to people crying than I do.

 The last I spoke to Josh was a few months ago. I was lost again and he listened he had no advice but told me that " change was a good thing"... We were not as close as we use to be... Life got in the way, but we were friends.  There is an empty feeling left, a little anger and alot of should haves, wishes of a little more time. The funny thing is that most of us given more time would only waste it and then wish we had more. I miss him, miss being able to have him, to get to him now that time has passed and I feel like I watsed it.