Rejection

There have been many moments of my life that have required me to move on. The words are uttered with indifference, as an after thought. I wonder if those who sputter these words remember how difficult it is to just " move on".  To let go of something or someone that has ment something, has changed who you are  or just made a ripple in your life. 
 On the emotional side its hard to "let go". To live without the person especially if they have become someone you turn to, someone you have depened on. There are many songs of  unrequited love, poems  have been written about the pain, people have died for the love they can not have. Although, all these things have romantacized the emotion of it.  In reality, it is extremely painful. It can be pain so overwhelming so consuming that the thought of "moving on" makes you want to scream. How do you let something slip like sand through your fingers? It is always onesided.. one person facing forward the other looking backward never being able to look in the same direction. It is at this point that we make bargins with ourselves. We,in a sense 'pimp" ourselves out to be with the person who does not want us.  Some how the need to stay connected with them is stronger than the person we thought we were.  We compromise what is our core to this all consuming feeling of being wanted by someone.. often times in hind sight it is not even the person you want, but the simple fact that they do not want you brings out these emotions. Emotions that are bogged down with constant thoughts of this person, their touch, their words, their very prensence has a way to identify you.
 How do we get that lost in someone.. that simply "is not that into you". Doesn't want you anymore. What is the pure instinct that burns and comes to life in us when those words are uttered.." i just don't want you"  The pain "cuts like a knife" to qoute Bryan Adams.  Thoughts of  what I did  wrong, what I can I change, How do I get him back.. run through your head. Unanswered questions that really have no answers, because no answer would be the right one and would only lead to more pain. The word pathetic comes to mind during this time... How can a beautiful, educated woman become a puddle of raw emotion at the thought of someone not wanting her? Is this the core of vanity? Is unrequited love so painful because it is a hit to the ego. Because someone you think should want you does not..To put it in simple terms I pose a question. How many of us have been with someone that we would never imagine to be with, but because they shoned us some how that made them more attactive?  Vanity at its best, because often the thought of someone not wanting/desiring us, not thinking of us, is a blow to our core. We identify ourselves, by what  roles we play in others lives mother, wife, daughter,friend... but someone not wanting us in those role they have the power to exchange you for someone else.. sends a sane person over the edge. At this point not only are we rejected, but now some how the power is taken away from us. You see they have already made the decision to leave, to have  no contact with you, to ignore you, in simple terms "let you go and move on".. Ouch, that is pure pain assaulting us from all sides.  There is no where to hide or go.. So the stage is set to play " I will get you back" or " You will see what you missed" or " You will want me back and I will drop you like yesterday's trash".  These futile attempts to get that person back only lead to more rejection.. desperation..kicker is you know that is what you are doing and still like a boulder rolling down hill. You are powerless to stop it.   Now, we start the real compromise... the better person we are slips into the unrecongizable, pathetic creature... the situtaion has escalated.. show up where he is at, cybor stock, texts, frequent the spots you use to go together, photos are put up as constant reminders, even friends become a tool to get to see him, spend time with him... no amount of rational converstation stops this. On his side he is " over you" reality check He  no longer wants to have anything to do with you.. He has moved on you are, but clouded memories left in his thoughts. The sight of you does not promote feelings of elation at this pont. It brings dread..
 Now comes my own personal favorite. His faults are brought out into the open.. the list begins.. he was to heavy/thin.. horrible kisser.. ugly.. mean.. uneducated.. etc... These are not truths.. but they are tools we use to make ourselves feel better about a rejection. The friends chirp in... You are better of without him, he doesn't deserve you, he is not worth it, what where you thinking... All atempts to make you feel better. Except that nothing does.. Rejections are very personal.. Its giving up some one  you were just not ready to give up.. Its letting go of a thought an identy that you are just not willing to part with. The pain is not from this unrequited love that people write and sing about, but in a very vain sense.. not being  able to have something we want. Not having the choice to let go or keep it because some one else makes that choice.
Me personally , I have to confess I can act patheticly insane during rejection. Here is the thing though, I know I do it.. that feeling controls me for a few days, weeks and yes sometimes months.. But its my moment... My feelings.. I own them hard to take as it is.. because I think of myself as a strong, educated, beautiful woman but at times not being wanted, rejected brings out fears, insercurities I thought long since resolved or better yet long thought I had buried. My own personal vanity eggs me on and my ego puts out an attack.. As vain as it is it becomes about me and not about him...
 The desire of being wanted is almost animalistic. It is inate in all of us..when threatened by rejection it throws  a curve ball in what should have been a straight pitch.  The struggle to correct it, although it was not my pitch is what gets me trouble.  In the moment I feel out of control which is one of my biggest fears..and that just adds to dry sticks to the fire..
I went Bungy jumping once.. I stood on that ledge for an hour unable to just let go.. The fear of dying or crashing into something was in the back of my mind, but my real fear was the knoweldge that once I let go I had no control of what happened.. That is what it feels like to be rejected because once he has made that desicion you have to just let go...