Rejection

There have been many moments of my life that have required me to move on. The words are uttered with indifference, as an after thought. I wonder if those who sputter these words remember how difficult it is to just " move on".  To let go of something or someone that has ment something, has changed who you are  or just made a ripple in your life. 
 On the emotional side its hard to "let go". To live without the person especially if they have become someone you turn to, someone you have depened on. There are many songs of  unrequited love, poems  have been written about the pain, people have died for the love they can not have. Although, all these things have romantacized the emotion of it.  In reality, it is extremely painful. It can be pain so overwhelming so consuming that the thought of "moving on" makes you want to scream. How do you let something slip like sand through your fingers? It is always onesided.. one person facing forward the other looking backward never being able to look in the same direction. It is at this point that we make bargins with ourselves. We,in a sense 'pimp" ourselves out to be with the person who does not want us.  Some how the need to stay connected with them is stronger than the person we thought we were.  We compromise what is our core to this all consuming feeling of being wanted by someone.. often times in hind sight it is not even the person you want, but the simple fact that they do not want you brings out these emotions. Emotions that are bogged down with constant thoughts of this person, their touch, their words, their very prensence has a way to identify you.
 How do we get that lost in someone.. that simply "is not that into you". Doesn't want you anymore. What is the pure instinct that burns and comes to life in us when those words are uttered.." i just don't want you"  The pain "cuts like a knife" to qoute Bryan Adams.  Thoughts of  what I did  wrong, what I can I change, How do I get him back.. run through your head. Unanswered questions that really have no answers, because no answer would be the right one and would only lead to more pain. The word pathetic comes to mind during this time... How can a beautiful, educated woman become a puddle of raw emotion at the thought of someone not wanting her? Is this the core of vanity? Is unrequited love so painful because it is a hit to the ego. Because someone you think should want you does not..To put it in simple terms I pose a question. How many of us have been with someone that we would never imagine to be with, but because they shoned us some how that made them more attactive?  Vanity at its best, because often the thought of someone not wanting/desiring us, not thinking of us, is a blow to our core. We identify ourselves, by what  roles we play in others lives mother, wife, daughter,friend... but someone not wanting us in those role they have the power to exchange you for someone else.. sends a sane person over the edge. At this point not only are we rejected, but now some how the power is taken away from us. You see they have already made the decision to leave, to have  no contact with you, to ignore you, in simple terms "let you go and move on".. Ouch, that is pure pain assaulting us from all sides.  There is no where to hide or go.. So the stage is set to play " I will get you back" or " You will see what you missed" or " You will want me back and I will drop you like yesterday's trash".  These futile attempts to get that person back only lead to more rejection.. desperation..kicker is you know that is what you are doing and still like a boulder rolling down hill. You are powerless to stop it.   Now, we start the real compromise... the better person we are slips into the unrecongizable, pathetic creature... the situtaion has escalated.. show up where he is at, cybor stock, texts, frequent the spots you use to go together, photos are put up as constant reminders, even friends become a tool to get to see him, spend time with him... no amount of rational converstation stops this. On his side he is " over you" reality check He  no longer wants to have anything to do with you.. He has moved on you are, but clouded memories left in his thoughts. The sight of you does not promote feelings of elation at this pont. It brings dread..
 Now comes my own personal favorite. His faults are brought out into the open.. the list begins.. he was to heavy/thin.. horrible kisser.. ugly.. mean.. uneducated.. etc... These are not truths.. but they are tools we use to make ourselves feel better about a rejection. The friends chirp in... You are better of without him, he doesn't deserve you, he is not worth it, what where you thinking... All atempts to make you feel better. Except that nothing does.. Rejections are very personal.. Its giving up some one  you were just not ready to give up.. Its letting go of a thought an identy that you are just not willing to part with. The pain is not from this unrequited love that people write and sing about, but in a very vain sense.. not being  able to have something we want. Not having the choice to let go or keep it because some one else makes that choice.
Me personally , I have to confess I can act patheticly insane during rejection. Here is the thing though, I know I do it.. that feeling controls me for a few days, weeks and yes sometimes months.. But its my moment... My feelings.. I own them hard to take as it is.. because I think of myself as a strong, educated, beautiful woman but at times not being wanted, rejected brings out fears, insercurities I thought long since resolved or better yet long thought I had buried. My own personal vanity eggs me on and my ego puts out an attack.. As vain as it is it becomes about me and not about him...
 The desire of being wanted is almost animalistic. It is inate in all of us..when threatened by rejection it throws  a curve ball in what should have been a straight pitch.  The struggle to correct it, although it was not my pitch is what gets me trouble.  In the moment I feel out of control which is one of my biggest fears..and that just adds to dry sticks to the fire..
I went Bungy jumping once.. I stood on that ledge for an hour unable to just let go.. The fear of dying or crashing into something was in the back of my mind, but my real fear was the knoweldge that once I let go I had no control of what happened.. That is what it feels like to be rejected because once he has made that desicion you have to just let go...

My friend

I just got some bad news. My friend died a few days ago. He was very important to me at one point in my life. I just haven't  talked to him in in years. Life came in between our friendship. I moved away had kids started a career ect. ect. They all sound like excuses right now. I should have called, I should have e-mailed him. Yez, I text about 2000 times a day. I could have sent him a Hi.  I feel guility about letting that relationship fall by the wayside.  In honesty, I didn't nourish it, I didn't....couldn't find the time to keep in touch. The other side is neither did he, but I have to wonder what did I miss?

  That first year in college was difficult for me. I had graduated from a private all girls HS and plunged into a huge college where I was completely lost. That year was hard for me. I lost touch with my old high school friends. I tried joing groups in college, but just didn't seem to make that connection I was looking for. I felt like an outsider.

 I had a few classes with Josh. But I got know him in the computer lab. I liked to go late at night to write papers. It was quite and really the only time I could get away to do the work. One night, we were both there writing this paper for English.. it was "what happened the year and month you were born. " Josh sat next to me ... I remember thinking great this is how it ends.. alone in a college lab.. He turned and smiled.. I would never tell him this, but he was hot. We talked that night. I mean really talked.. sounds cliche, but we talked about our childhood. At that time in my life I was having a very hard time transitioning from not only a HS kid to a college student. But transition from the low income neighbrohood I grew up in to wanting more out of life. He undersood because he was like me. First person to go to collge paying his way through it.. fighting the tuff neighborhood and not falling into the same traps his friends and family were falling into. At the end of that night I felt like I belonged.

 One night and I felt...connected. Such a small word connected, but there we were. The two of us we were similar in many ways and in such a big school we found eachother. That connection led to many late nights... Many days spent in the quad talking, lots of laughing. We made  a sport out of  people watching and making stories about them as the bustled through the city. There were many times I want to quit he pushed.. my god he could push my buttons to get me to do what he wanted. I don't rememeber complete conversations... I rememeber the way he made me feel.  Understood, listened to.. He started my addiction to coffee and fanned my passion to write. Most important is he was honest.. sometimes too honest. He would always say that kids that we grew up with never knew how to try something new.." Change is good, Anna. Its what keeps us moving forward" I can't beleive I actually just heard his voice.  We made a pack that we would push eachother to graduate school.

 Alot happened that year for me and I ended up dropping out and joining the navy. Josh stayed we kept in touch and its almost funny, but when i got into trouble I would call him. The next few years whenever I called him he would start the conversation with " How is school ?"  He graduated with a BA in Sceince and did research work. He loved it and payed for his brother to go to school. When I finally finished school I called him first... His response was typical " it took you long enough"

Josh was kind, smart handsome. He came into a room a literally filled it with his smile and personality. He didn't just listen he heard everything you said. he was stubborn, like the way he talked our psych. proffessor into giving him an A for a paper I had written and only gotten a B in the previuos semster. We recycled before it was cool..LOL The smile he had was infectiuos and he had a worse aversation to people crying than I do.

 The last I spoke to Josh was a few months ago. I was lost again and he listened he had no advice but told me that " change was a good thing"... We were not as close as we use to be... Life got in the way, but we were friends.  There is an empty feeling left, a little anger and alot of should haves, wishes of a little more time. The funny thing is that most of us given more time would only waste it and then wish we had more. I miss him, miss being able to have him, to get to him now that time has passed and I feel like I watsed it.

Hard night

The pain hits me like waves in the ocean. I think of you everyday. Your smile haunts me. I want to share my days with you, I want to hear how you are doing.. where you have been, but you let me me. Is it easy to let me go.. Do you think of me? Do you attempt to call , but don't. It would take you a second to call me. I would run to your arms and let the world fall away. I search for you in my dreams, but I am slowly forgetting your kiss your touch. Simple things remind me of you.. the coffee shop we first met.. bar we drank at.. the way you looked at me.. how you leaned in for a kiss. The way you held me. I regret nothing of our stolen moments.. I only regret they did not last longer!
As I sit on this long night shift, I think of you hope you call. Tell me you miss me you fool. Tell me you want to hold me once more. I don't need you to make sense I just need you to be with me.

Do you

I wonder do you think of me
Do you hear a distant laugh and think of me
Does a smell remind you of me
Do you remember what my skin feels like, my touch
Do you hear my voice in your dreams
Do you long for my embrace
Do you yearn for my caress
Do you miss me